The day the diet began

Today I am starting a "diet." I thought I was going to be able to enroll in a comprehensive weight control program with a clinic, but my insurance said there was a specific exclusion for weight control counseling. So maybe just as well, I am starting on my own. Well, not exactly on my own--I'm asking for God's help. I need to keep that in mind because I have tried to diet so many times that it is hard to get psyched up again. At 20 years old, I weighed 160. My friend diane said that I looked like Jackie Gleason, and I began to think about my weight. I went on a Dr. Stillman's all protein diet. I did it at my parent's house and lost 25 pounds eating hamburgers and some other meat. I kept it off for a while. I think my next diet came when I was about 26. I was probably about 160 again. I started fasting on January first 1976 for 15 or so days. All I ate was coffee and cigarettes. I think it was supposed to be a cleansing diet. :-) I also starting running, jogging. I was one of the first joggers. The first year I ran about 1000 miles, and my wieght got down to 119. I was able to wear the suit that I wore for eighth grade confirmation. I still felt a little fat and not feeling like I wanted to take my shirt off. But obviously I was thin. I just didn't have a six pack muscles on my stomach. i remember how much I restricted my eating. I would not even eat one pancake or a piece of pizza. I hardly ate anything. I ran for several years and lifted weights and did other training stuff while eating very little. When KC was born, I weighed about 140. I was feeling like I was losing my grip on being thin. I couldn't lose those extra 20 pounds to weigh less than Jean when she was pregnant. I went to weight watchers then and got back to about 130, my ideal weight. I became a lifetime member. Even though I was running from home to work every day, between 5 and 6 miles, my weight was creeping up. When KC was about three, she cold cold sores all over inside her mouth and so did I. I was pretty much unable to eat for 5 days or so. I lost 2o pounds and got down to about 140. I was drinking when KC was very young but I joined AA in April of 1983. Soon after I quit drinking I also quit eating sugar. I did not have any sugar until I quit working for South Central Library System in 1987 about two and a half years. Once I had started working at schools I could no longer take hour and a half for lunch while I lifted weights and jogged. The weight crept back up again. It was harder to lift weights because when I got done with work I was taking care of KC. This was the fall of 1987. I still kept running and remained reasonably thin. But I went to the UW Eating Disorder clinic. I had tried to talk to people about my eating before. I had seen at least 2 counselors and a couple of nutritionists. They all said that I had no problem because I was pretty thin. So in order to get the ED clinic to take me seriously I started late night binge eating . When KC was a baby she did not sleep very well. So when ever I got up with her at night I would eat. I got into the habit of waking up during the night and eating. Well, as I kept an eating diary for the clinic I really binged, eating lots of ice cream and plenty of other food at night. I'm not sure what happened while I was seeing a psychiatrist and going to a group there, but I wan't losing weight. I was trying really hard to diet and still eating during the night. Every morning when I woke up I felt terrible guilt. The guilt was so unbearable that I actually thought about suicide. They would always ask me if I had a plan. My plan was to get run over by a car while jogging that way no one would know that I actually killed myself. I didn't even think about how bad that would make the driver feel. I did think about how it would make KC feel though and that is what kept me from going through with it. I probably would not have killed myself anyway. I had thought about it before KC was born and I chickened out. So I probably would have chickened out again. Anyway the guilt was pretty hard to take. Eventually the Eating Disorder Clinic changed its name to the Healthy Eating and Lifestyles Place. HELP. But the name change did not help me. The cognitive approach to change was not working. Neither was phen-fen, or anyother drugs. The clinic finally closed and I was just seeing a psychiatrist. In the spring of oh about 1992 I broke my ankle. That did my running in for months; I was basically inactive but continued to eat a lot. I gained 30 or so pounds and weighed almost 200. Meanwhile KC began to have some mental problems and maybe was dling drugs. I lost the focus on me and began to focus on her. I just let my eating go. Well not exactly I kept trying to diet off and on. I went back to weight watchers. I ordered some pills and took them to control my hunger. I did a few other things. I went to Over Eaters anonymous. I went to meeting with them for about a year. I had stopped going to AA. Not sure where to go from this point in my description. I tried dieting. I lost some weight and regained. Eventually I was eating every night 2 or 3 times after going to sleep. I gained enough weight so that I got sleep apnea, but I could never use one of the air blowing machines although I still have one sitting by my bed and still go to the sleep disorder clinic.

In summary, I have tried many times to lose weight, and I have succeeded to varying degrees. But now I weigh 292 and have a hard time putiing on my shoes and socks. I have a hard time even moving around in bed. I have a hard time going up and down the stairs. My knees often hurt and so does my back. It is time for a change. I may enumerate all my problems because of weight at another point but not right now.

Anyway, today I am beginning to diet; not really radically just enough so that I can shrink my stomach a bit so that when I really start dieting I won't be having terrible withdrawals.